I am using a title in Filipino because the meaning is deeper. It reminds me of the famous line of the King of the Filipino action movie, Fernando Poe, Jr.,“…kahit butas ng karayom papasukin ko” (I will pass through even the hole of the needle). This means that no matter how hard the situation maybe he will pursue or go for it.
I am not here to explain the whole story of that movie. I want to share my experience that just happened recently. Three days ago, I felt different, seems I am in pain inside. There were many forces inside me. These forces lead me to feel empty, in doubt, uncertain, depressed, sad. I asked myself, “What is happening to me?” The moment is like I am struggling to come out in very narrow way. I have to move, to force myself to make space but my effort was worthless. It was also like I am in the dark, I want to hold to something or someone but I could not find one. I am lost, no one is there. I want to cry out loud, help! help! help! but my spirit within does not want to move. I desired to stay and be isolated. I cannot breathe. I felt someone was choking me. It was not a nightmare, it was real. I was lost.
DESPERATE FOR RELIEF
I reached out for my Holy Rosary, Mama Mary would help me. She is my protector. I knew at that moment that other spirits wanted to lead me to something. Suddenly, I gazed the word “suicide” from the open book on my study table. For the past days I have been reading this book about the spiritual journey of a woman. And the latest topic was about the experience on depression. I left the book open after I finished reading. Unfortunately that article is in front of me. I said, “No! No! No”, I will hold on to my God. I started to pray the Rosary and finished it after few minutes. That few minutes were like forever to me. I was in great desperation, wanting, reaching out to someone that would lift me out. I was in the bottom, in the grave, the abyss of melancholic place.
Then I thought of the stories of those who killed themselves. I believed that because they wanted to escape from the pain, they wanted to end it all. But who am I to judge them? Sarah Ban Breathnach, in her book Something More said, When you’re convinced that there is nothing more worth living for and that there never will be—not now, not tomorrow, not ever; when there isn’t shred of evidence that things will ever change or get better (How? Whyt? Says who?) When excruciating pain—physical, emotional, psychic—is so harrowing you’re on your knees begging for release, you don’t want another depic. You want to write only two words: THE END.
I remained in my state of prayer even If I was already done with praying the Rosary. I continued to cry out to God…pray, pray, and beg. At first, I was asking Him, “Why you are making me suffer?” “I cannot bear it anymore.” “What do you want me to learn from this, answer me, answer me?” Then later, I am tired of asking. I told God, “Okay Lord, thy will be done. Strengthen me as I go through this turmoil. Help me to understand.” Little by little my feeling subsided. It was like a strong storm slowly leaving the area of responsibility. No more strong wind. But you will see the evidence that a storm passed by—like the removed roof, the wrecked windows and walls. I felt so devastated. My spirit just wanted to submit itself to her Creator.
THE REDEEMPTIVE MOMENT
Evening came, I went to bed after supper so as to rest early. Then at 11:36 PM I woke up feeling so hot. I knew I had a fever. My lower back is aching crippling my legs. I prayed once again for strength. I tried to get back from sleep but I just tossed around on my bed. Then I dreamed. There was a man who appeared, he looked fair and good looking. He was the typical knight in shining armour (for me). He held my face and I saw his smooth and fair hands. I felt so much loved. And he said, “You are healed”. Then he disappeared.
I wish I could stop the clock. I like to stay there forever. I felt the warmth, the comfort, the serenity and the love. But I have to face the truth and wake up to my real situation. I am on my journey—spiritually I am searching for the truth about my calling. When I woke up, I looked up to the nipa roof of our formation house. Yes, I am back. Although a part of me wants to cling to my dream but I have to face the reality now.
I told myself that probably it was Jesus who visited me. He let me know once again that He is always around to save me.
THE SUN AFTER THE RAIN
I am aware that I am already okay after that incident. The fever was gone. My emotion was stabilized. The heaviness in my heart vanished. It was like I was free from the chain that was put on my neck for many years. Yes it was like years for me. You call it dark night, darkness of the soul but I call it grace. The Lord tested me. He increased my level of faith.
OUR TEAMWORK
I feel I was a winner of an obstacle run from that experience. As I looked back through all the obstruction materials seems that it was impossible to get over. I know I won because God was with me. I remember when I questioned him of many things. I want to know the answers right that moment. Nothing came. I am tired of waiting. So I surrendered, I asked him to lead me on how to get through this test. I realized that I was thirsting for worth, appreciation and love. Then Jesus came in my dreams to let me know that I am loved. He knows the winning plan. He put it into action and I cooperated. The result, we won. Once again it was teamwork of God and me.
It was hard really. I passed trough the small hole of the needle. I was deformed, crushed, emptied, scattered. I am still grateful because after all those things I am still alive. I am joyful and thankful. I do not know what the future holds. There might be more holes of needles to come but I will hold on to my life’s coach—God. For sure I will always be the champion!
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